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What on earth would possess me to tell such intimate secrets and air such dirty laundry in a blog for the world to see? That is so against my nature and out of character for me. I am a secret keeper. I am a protector and a defender of my family and our secrets. Have I gone stark raving mad?

There are several answers to this question. One is that truthfully I have no clue why I would suddenly begin to tell the world about my personal and family secrets, but I am following an inner nudging, my intuition, the voice of God (call it what you will.) I am so familiar with this quiet inner voice because I have always been in tune with it, and it has always served me well. When I ignore it I always regret it, and when I follow it I am never lead astray. I believe that my ability to hear and follow my inner voice is part of the reason that I have survived. As I surrender to the flow of God’s breath and love I am compelled to blog about very intimate things in my life.

Another reason is that we are only as sick as our secrets. People recovering from various hurts and habits know this very well. The secrets that we keep out of fear, shame, and loyalty to family dysfunction will eat away at our souls and our bodies. And I am tired of being soul sick.

Truthfully though I do have some uncomfortable and guilty feelings about some of the things that I write. I do not desire to hurt any of my family or throw anyone under the proverbial bus. My intention is not to expose others, but I do have to tell some of my own story, and my story does involve other people.

Like I said earlier it is my nature to protect and cover my family not to expose them. So this blog is not always easy for me to write. I have to make it clear that I love both of my parents dearly. I have a relationship with them and a bond with them. Sadly they, for whatever reason, were troubled wounded souls, and that got passed onto me as their child even though that was never their intention. So now I have many stories about my own woundedness to tell.

I now have a two-year old daughter of my own and so I realize that I have to work twice as hard and twice as fast to release myself from the dysfunctional patterns that I have always known so that I do not pass them on to her. I am sure that there will be some things that I cannot protect her from because as humans we all experience brokeness, but I do feel a sense of urgency to allow healing to occur in certain parts of myself  so that I can stop some of the cycle before it comes around to her. That is part of my compulsion to write about some of my intimate secrets.

If we are only as sick as our secrets then I am ready to be done with the secret thing!

Believe it or not there are secrets that I have about things that I have been through, things that I have seen, and things that I have done that I will not include in this blog. Yes…….there is more……and it is too big and too juicy for me to blog about at this point in my life. Those secrets will be revealed only to certain people, and possibly later I will be able to write them but maybe not.

So in spite of the difficult things that we have been through and the things that we have done….. I have a love, and an attachment, and a deep connection with all of my family.¬† It is just that now it is time for me to reveal some of my secrets and get out from under the oppression of the family code of silence. I have to get free, and I pray that my family can be free as well.


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