Chaos comes before order. There is confusion right before understanding. This happens in nature, in the forming of the universe, in life, and in our own learning and development.

As a teacher I learned this in college and later saw it in students as I taught them new things. When a student is presented with brand new material and ideas the brain goes into a state of disequilibrium for a period. That disequilibrium or confusion can be frustrating for a time, but it is necessary for the brain to go through this in order to reorganize with the new information integrated into its files.

So in learning and growing we all go through this, just as the creation of the universe began with chaos and then moved to order we go through a period of chaos before we come to a deeper understanding and are back in order and equilibrium.

I am going through this now. I am in a period of wrestling with a deepening of my faith. I am not wrestling with whether or not I have faith because I have already reached order in that area. I have faith, but I am in a moment of confusion about some deeper ideas. I am growing, and I am in a stage right before understanding something more, and so I am in a bit of momentary chaos in my mind and heart.

This can be frustrating so I pray. I pray for clarity and understanding, and I pray for truth no matter what the truth is. I want the truth even if it throws me off for a moment. I want the truth even if others around me do not understand it. I just want THE TRUTH.

I, like most people, have never been satisfied with understanding things just because someone else thinks that they understand it and tells me their ideas. That may suffice for a period, but eventually questions begin to beat at the doors of my mind, and I have to find the answers for myself. These are never really new questions. They are questions that have always been in my heart, but the time has come to let them surface. Sometimes I come to understand what I was told by another, and sometimes I come to a new and deeper revelation than that.

Not only is this frustrating and confusing, but it is exciting. I know that I am standing on the precipice of something larger. I am in a moment of expanding rather than stagnation. It is only a matter of time before something new clicks and I experience that wonderful “Aha!” moment again, and I am again in awe of my loving creator.

I welcome it. I do not know where it might take me. I do not know if it will allow me to stay right where I am or if it will force me to move on to something new. I embrace the growth though wherever I end up going. I have always longed for and enjoyed the expansion of my mind and the opening of my heart wider. I have never been a person comfortable in a box or happy with a limited God.

My tendency to question authority, to be a little rebellious, and to be a risk taker has gotten me in some trouble at times, but it has also pushed me passed the confines of limitations at times. When channeled well it serves me well and pushes me out of the shallow end into the deep.

The chaos and confusion are not comfortable, but just as the universe is slowly expanding….. so am I. And for that I am grateful.