There are things that have caused me a great amount of dysfunction in my life. It is very disheartening when the things that are supposed to be easy and come naturally to a human being are a struggle. This can cause a great deal of frustration that unfortunately can turn into a pity party at times when healing seems hopeless. Being unable to function normally in some of the most basic ways can bring on horrible feelings of failure. Someone wise told me that if you have trouble with the basic human needs of sleep, sex, and eating then you know that there is something seriously wrong that has taken place in your life. Well I have problems with all of those. Eating would be the least of these problems because I do eat, but I tend to crave and eat things that are not good for me.  The other two issues are much more severe though.

I have been in and out of therapy, and I have talked until I was blue in the face about all of the traumatic experiences that I have endured throughout my life. I remember a great deal of traumatic experiences beginning very early on and continuing into adulthood. Some of these that occurred during adulthood are experiences that I brought upon myself trying to deal with my past or just continuing the cycle of family dysfunction. In spite of all this talking, therapy, and psychology I still suffer from much of the same dysfunction. It has not helped.

There is something lurking in my subconscious that is continuing to wreak havoc in my life. There seems to be something in my past that was so ugly that in order to survive it I blocked it out. The reason that I know it is there at all is because the effects of it are so severe and undeniable, and I cannot seem to get past them. It is kind of like that place in Siberia where all of the trees were burned up, and it looks like an atomic bomb hit, but no one seems to know what caused the devastation. It is a weird, scary and frustrating situation.

I find it very intriguing that we as human beings have cellular memory. In some way every cell in our bodies carry our memories. This is fairly new science, but it makes sense to me because I carry an enormous amount of pain, tension, and anxiety in my body. It is like my body knows something that is painful and frightening, and because my consciousness has not been able to face it yet my dear old body is carrying it for me. It would be nice to be able to release it, but with all of my armor and defense mechanisms it just holds on for dear life.

Another very strange truth is that this subconscious boogy man is something that I apparently cannot remember, yet it is something that I already know. I was there when “it” happened.  My body knows it and still reacts to it in many ways that I would rather keep to myself. And my mind already knows it, but I cannot remember it to save my life. Weird!

I have thought many times that maybe there is really nothing there at all, but I am afraid that is just wishful thinking. All of the signs point to “something” there. I am getting closer to it. It is beginning to creep its way into my dreams in very subtle ways, but I still cannot grasp exactly what “it” is yet.

I do not know if remembering something is essential, but I do know that I desperately want to be free from the devastating effects that trauma has had on my life, and in order to find this freedom there is something more that I have to face aside from the truck load of junk that I have already faced.

I have prayed for years and years for God to free me. He has freed me from so much, but there is still a huge hurdle for me to jump. I do not know why this is taking so long, but I do believe in the perfection of divine timing because I have seen it work in my life many times before.  Receiving healing and freedom is quite a long process for me which can cause frustration, self pity and feelings of failure at times. But in this long process I am also gaining a great amount of wisdom, humility, and compassion for which I am very grateful.

I am sorry that the blogs have been heavy in nature so far. I promise that there is also a very silly, crazy, nutty side to me, but that has not been what has bubbled out so far. I think that writing this blog is part of my healing and by releasing some of my secrets I am getting closer to the end of a long chapter of secret keeping, fear, and pain.

I know that I am not alone in these issues and that these things that I write may ring bells for some of you. That along with my own healing are the reasons that I am sharing these things. Even if we never discuss these things together or even if we do not know each other, if we have been through similar things then we are connected in spirit. Together we are stronger, and as we each move towards our own healing we are helping to heal one another as well.

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